First half of the year thrashtalk

 As the title says or states.

First half of the year thrashtalk. Part 1.

August 11 2023. A date that i can never ever forget in my life. A Friday to be exact. 

I lost my beloved mother. Yes, you heard or read it correctly. I lost my mother. What or how?

She suffered renal failure, diabetes, high blood pressure. You named it. All. But cause of death was written as heart attack or coronary failure. She did however suffered a minor stroke early last year. I dont really shared with most people that i know. Only a few closed ones. Honestly, my grief is not over yet. Every now and then i still think of her and based on not having her around seems harder for me to get back on my feet. Since she has been going in and out of the hospital earlier last year, it feels like she still stays in the hospital instead of accepting the fact that she's no longer around with us. I hate to admit this but this is worse than a breakup or a friendship breakup. This really impacts my life more than ever.  What i remembered of her days that were not numbered was that, she has a wound that was untreated and complaints of aching due to the wound. She can't get up from her bed and at times me and my sister will take turns to shower her or wipe down her as she can't lift herself up. To the extent whereby she can no longer take it, my sister instructed my dad to bring her to see a doctor after her checkup. That check up leads to her being admitted in.

Which after that, she was being discharged. Did it end there? I hope but no it does not. My mother fainted from her treatment and was being brought in to the intensive care unit. I was at work, and i was being called to come over by my sister. When i've reached, the scenario was my dad sitting at the chair whereas my sister seated at the other chair facing my mum. My mum having the oxygen mask and tubes and wires on her. The news that i had received from my sister was that they had to do a surgery on my mum. They have to amputate her leg. But due to her age and her heart seems weak, they decided to monitor her heart. If it is good, they will proceed but there is no guarantee that my mum can  make it. When my mum became conscious, she disagree on any surgery and insists that if she were to be dead, let her die in one piece.  Cut things short, my family can't take care of her as we are busy with work and household chores, my sister opted for a hospice. A temporary home for my mother till we get the house in a good condition enough for her to recuperate at home. 

I remembered it clearly, on a Thursday, my sister spend time with her while getting some paperwork done for her to admit to the hospice. I arrived later in the evening and i was the last person to leave. What i remembered was her repeatedly telling me that she needs to go home and she can go home soon. Not to worry about anything as she will go home. I shouldn't have left her that night. I should have stayed with her.  I went back as she shooed me away and told me to visit her tomorrow after work instead.  I went back meet my friends. My close friends. And then went back home about 3 am 4 am? Was awaken at about 5.30 am. Saw my dad walking in and out from his room, when out of sudden his phone ring. It was 6 am. My dad told me straight that we have to go. My mum can't make it. She might not be able to make it. We took grab and reached about 45 mins after. Just nice when we went up, the nurse in charge opens the door and informed us she and that i meant my mother has passed away with one last breath out. She said it was a smooth one.

 And with that i lost my mother. To be honest, when i was in the same room as her while waiting for the doctor, her pacemaker device made it seems like she was still breathing. Heck, that scene still plays in my mind though. I  remembered i told my sister, our mother is just asleep, she will wake up right? My sister just looked at me and her tears welled up in her eyes. Honestly, how can 1 move on from their grief? 

No matter how many times i visited her grave, it feels like she's still at the hospital waiting to be discharge. 

sorry, i can't continue writing this. i might get my room flooded. till then.

D