First half of the year thrashtalk part 2

 As the title says it all, it is part 2 of the thrashtalk.

Life since then was not the same anymore.

To be honest, i felt like i've cut out a lot of connections.

I've becoming more quieter and more of not talking or having any conversation anymore.

I've distanced myself from my close relatives even from my dad's side.

Just because of me being the last person that my mum had her conversation with me. 

I can't lie that's for sure. The overwhelm feeling that i had when my relatives saw me and get to know that i'm the last person that she talked to. Tons of questions being shoot down towards me. I didn't have any answers to them. Questions like, did she write a will? Has the money being delegated? Has her things been organized? Did she say anything about her money? What are you going to do with her stuff? 

Like, do you guys even care about my feelings? I just lost my mum. The only person that loved me the most. The one who decides to still bring me into the life despite the conditions and the advices that the doctor gave. She loved me even before i was born. And i've lost her. To the battles that she went through her life.

Whatever happens to the empathy between you guys? You know, i couldn't believe my ears and eyes when someone told me about supernatural/superstitious things. Until i encountered it myself. My family encountered it. To that person who did this horrible thing towards my family, shame on you. Regardless of what religion you are in or belief in you can never do this to your own mankind. Almost all religion says the same thing didn't they? 

honestly, with this illness, it really takes a toll on me. i'm constantly tired and honestly when my symptoms flares up, i can't do much about it really. All i can do is to wait for it to cool off and at the end of each episodes, i feel drained. which i find it unfair though as my dietary lifestyle defeats this illness taking its toll on me. really. When i went to the doctors, they were a little puzzled by me and my symptoms. Maybe because i'm the last child of my mother's. from what i understand, it seems like my mum has this illness from her first pregnancy which is with my sister. and it stayed there after she was born. so hi! i'm the unlucky one. and from the explanation from my dad, the doctor wanted to terminate the pregnancy aka me. to lift the complications in the future i guess? but my mum, insisted on keeping me and the main reason was to not to have my sister as an only child. so dear sister, don't assume mum loved me that much, for she do care for you. she wanted you to have someone as a companion so that you are not alone.

the differences between the both of us in the family is that i'm on the emotional side whereas you, your ego was as high as the tallest building here. if you are wondering if i ever reflected on the things that i did, the answer is yes. i do. i do reflect and i do think twice before taking any actions. i think ahead for the future . my mind was constantly running on things that i should not have been thinking about such as the past, future and present. my friends kept on telling me to take it slow, don't stress, don't think too much. But how? How does one do that? I have to keep on thinking about what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day. i keep on thinking about the backup plans. if you're asking me about ego and temper, they are the least on my priority. i seek peace and calmness.

Inner thoughts

I just wanna scream at your face. To tell you how much it hurts. How loud the voices are in my head but yet i cant voice it out. it seems that some people don't understand what you've been through. Yeah, you said that you understand but in the end you don't. Cause you don't get to feel what i feel. the tiredness, the helplessness and losing the ability of what you've always been doing. losing the focus. losing what you've always wanted and dream of. the feeling of what i'm feeling is useless.

First half of the year thrashtalk

 As the title says or states.

First half of the year thrashtalk. Part 1.

August 11 2023. A date that i can never ever forget in my life. A Friday to be exact. 

I lost my beloved mother. Yes, you heard or read it correctly. I lost my mother. What or how?

She suffered renal failure, diabetes, high blood pressure. You named it. All. But cause of death was written as heart attack or coronary failure. She did however suffered a minor stroke early last year. I dont really shared with most people that i know. Only a few closed ones. Honestly, my grief is not over yet. Every now and then i still think of her and based on not having her around seems harder for me to get back on my feet. Since she has been going in and out of the hospital earlier last year, it feels like she still stays in the hospital instead of accepting the fact that she's no longer around with us. I hate to admit this but this is worse than a breakup or a friendship breakup. This really impacts my life more than ever.  What i remembered of her days that were not numbered was that, she has a wound that was untreated and complaints of aching due to the wound. She can't get up from her bed and at times me and my sister will take turns to shower her or wipe down her as she can't lift herself up. To the extent whereby she can no longer take it, my sister instructed my dad to bring her to see a doctor after her checkup. That check up leads to her being admitted in.

Which after that, she was being discharged. Did it end there? I hope but no it does not. My mother fainted from her treatment and was being brought in to the intensive care unit. I was at work, and i was being called to come over by my sister. When i've reached, the scenario was my dad sitting at the chair whereas my sister seated at the other chair facing my mum. My mum having the oxygen mask and tubes and wires on her. The news that i had received from my sister was that they had to do a surgery on my mum. They have to amputate her leg. But due to her age and her heart seems weak, they decided to monitor her heart. If it is good, they will proceed but there is no guarantee that my mum can  make it. When my mum became conscious, she disagree on any surgery and insists that if she were to be dead, let her die in one piece.  Cut things short, my family can't take care of her as we are busy with work and household chores, my sister opted for a hospice. A temporary home for my mother till we get the house in a good condition enough for her to recuperate at home. 

I remembered it clearly, on a Thursday, my sister spend time with her while getting some paperwork done for her to admit to the hospice. I arrived later in the evening and i was the last person to leave. What i remembered was her repeatedly telling me that she needs to go home and she can go home soon. Not to worry about anything as she will go home. I shouldn't have left her that night. I should have stayed with her.  I went back as she shooed me away and told me to visit her tomorrow after work instead.  I went back meet my friends. My close friends. And then went back home about 3 am 4 am? Was awaken at about 5.30 am. Saw my dad walking in and out from his room, when out of sudden his phone ring. It was 6 am. My dad told me straight that we have to go. My mum can't make it. She might not be able to make it. We took grab and reached about 45 mins after. Just nice when we went up, the nurse in charge opens the door and informed us she and that i meant my mother has passed away with one last breath out. She said it was a smooth one.

 And with that i lost my mother. To be honest, when i was in the same room as her while waiting for the doctor, her pacemaker device made it seems like she was still breathing. Heck, that scene still plays in my mind though. I  remembered i told my sister, our mother is just asleep, she will wake up right? My sister just looked at me and her tears welled up in her eyes. Honestly, how can 1 move on from their grief? 

No matter how many times i visited her grave, it feels like she's still at the hospital waiting to be discharge. 

sorry, i can't continue writing this. i might get my room flooded. till then.

D

2023 thrashtalk

 who are you really?

you weren't there when i needed you

you weren't there when we needed you

but all of  a sudden.. when we're having the best moment of our lives, you've appeared out of nowhere.

am i suppose to get these chills?

am i suppose to get these feelings?

a day of uninterrupted moments and a day of a full rest with no one to disturb to. just a day.

what happens if im gone?

i mean what happens after i'm gone?

my passion and my workload does not tally.

if it's not about my passion, i won't do this.

i probably won't stay any longer than this. With your kind of attitude no i won't. 

to you i know nothing but trust me, for heaven's sake and Go's sake, i've known and i've known people who played this kind of game won't last long. 

Sooner or later it will go down to the drain.

 i dont wanna lose control and end it like how it did for you.

i dont wanna give up and end it all like that

dear god, i'm starting to lose my faith and i dont want that to happen. 

there has been alot of confusion nowadays with people spreading rumors that spreads fast like a plague. which is real and which is fake im starting to confuse. 

sometimes i miss the old me, the one that always cheerful, the one that no matter what will smile. i miss those times. 

 Tell me what should i do?

for life does not comes with an instructions neither do love.

there will always be trials and errors.

if only the power of gender does not exists. if only gender equality exists in my family.

i wish age restriction does not exist

i wish that body image does not exist

in this world of society, body image, suicide, depression is a trend. don't you think it trigger that sensitivity in you?

i don't know why, but part of me is feeling dumb, for the fact that i didn't manage to explore the outside world when i was younger. 

didn't know what life is like.

always been stuck at home and in the kitchen after school

don't rebel when i was in my teens. technically i didn't get into troubles when i was in my teens.

but that dumb feeling though, it lingers upon my mind, my heart.

dearest uncle, where are you though?

Each day that i get the opportunity, i went and look out for you. but you weren't there. 

been avoiding some circle of friends, relatives. 

not because i don't like them, it's just that i don't wanna be asked the same question over and over again.

maybe its just me. im getting old. getting sensitive. haha

i miss you,

i really do,

i miss your laughs and your wise words,

i'll see you soon alrights.

the promises that i've promised, will still be with me. i won't forget