i dont wanna lose control and end it like how it did for you.
i dont wanna give up and end it all like that
dear god, i'm starting to lose my faith and i dont want that to happen.
there has been alot of confusion nowadays with people spreading rumors that spreads fast like a plague. which is real and which is fake im starting to confuse.
sometimes i miss the old me, the one that always cheerful, the one that no matter what will smile. i miss those times.
Dear self,
it is okay to let people go.
it is okay to fail.
it is okay to cry.
sometimes we need to cry ourselves dry out so that we can feel other feelings.
crying does not mean that we've lost.
Dear self,
it is okay for that person to think of you.
it does not matter what people think of you as you do you.
you know you got this.
you know your intentions.
let their tongues wag as you get back on your feet.
no matter how long it takes, you will heal.
Dear self,
be more confident.
till when do you need to hide in the shadows and being in silence?
the more you give in, the more they will step ahead over you.
but dear self, don't forget that you're a human being.
you still got feelings.
you still need your space
you still need to let everything out.
Dear self, the memories that you had will soon fade away in God's hands.
Dear self, being hurt is indeed a normal thing to you now.
Dear self, get out there and have more fun.
Dear self, get to know more people
Dear self, it is okay not to be okay.
Honestly, being an adult is tough but you can get through this.
Love,
Your self.
Im still alive. Im still surviving. Thank you Allah for this.
To be able to open my eyes and to be able to view the surroundings of the world i'm living in.
To be able to hear the sounds of nature and bustling sound of the busy cities and streets.
To be able to talk to long lost friends and other people that i'm associated with.
To be able to touch the hands of my loved ones holding them tight to ensure that everything's gonna be okay.
To be able to breathe in the air that is fresh.
It's funny how our mind works. It's funny how our emotion reacts to our nerves.
Those days that triggers my memories. Those days that triggers my emotions.
How i wish it could stop repeating itself on my mind. How i wish those dreams will stop coming to me every time i close my eyes.
i just want to voice out. Those words were what i wanted to say but unfortunately, i can't. I can't say it out much less voice it out. Those feelings were bottled up inside me. Many asked me to let it all out but i can't. I just cant't. Every words i want to say or voice it out, will only triggers my eyes to tears up. And then tears will start to flow right out from my eyes and people will see my tears dripping from my face. Maybe cause i kept it in ever since I've been shutting myself out from my own circle. The reason i shut myself out was truth was not justice for me. It seems like when children speaks of the truth, it's just a story telling session to the adults. And to me, it isn't fair.
Whenever i see an uncle around my neighborhood, i would always without fail will hear young teenagers calling out and shouting and even giving the looks of disgust and the look of annoyed towards the uncle. All of them keep on giving that look which indicates that the uncle has a screw loose up on his head. He's always half naked and wears shades on his eyes while riding his bike. Without fail, he would buy a beer or so and talks to himself. People thought that he's crazy and wild just because of his appearance and talking alone. But little did they know, he's like us. A normal being. How would i know..?
I talked to him a lot of times whenever i sees him around. He'd always say hi and waved his hands to me. He's not a crazy old person. He's not even what the people around my neighborhood claims he is. He's a normal being and it's just his way of being like that. I'm sure all of us must have been acting weird in a way people thought we're crazy but we thought it was fine. So why are you teenagers giving him those verbal attacks..? What did he do to you guys that you guys would disturb him when he's not even bothering you guys..?
Would you guys like it if he were to attack you guys with a can thrown to you guys and then run away like a coward..?
This goes to the teenagers who loves to disturb these people.
I will forgive but i will never forget. Once bitten, twice the shy. You know who you are.
the moment when all the negativity just come and hit you straight like... BAAAM!
i don't know why I'm feeling this way. it's like BAM!
the more i try to explain , the more complicated i find myself explaining and the more i won't say about it. and in the end, i never did say anything.
i'm tired. i mean i'm mentally exhausted by what's going through my mind. so many things came through and i can't find any answers to whatever is on my mind.
great. i have a morning class tomorrow and i'm still not asleep yet.
ergh. i hate this feeling.
i don't know how i would even want to explain how i am feeling now. =/
Wow. It's been awhile hasn't it..?
Been busy with work ever since i started. But now that i'm in school, yeah.
It's just a week. I mean it's been a week and i already sick.
Body aching like as if it's going to break apart.
Lying on the floor seems much more comfortable then the bed itself.
And i felt cold even though the sun is shining bright.
I guess this is what it's called, School fever right?
I still yet to get fever. Only the symptoms and i'm already tired.
There's so many modules for me to at least pass. I cannot afford to fail.
I've been studying for almost my life now. Ever since i was young.
I don't really get into the course that i hope to get but i do believe that i can open up my heart to learn something new.
But now, i feel like giving up. I don't know. Maybe because right now, i felt sick and down.
What do i want ?
What i hope?
Why am i doing this? When my other friends are working while i'm still studying..?
You know what...? Every time i meet up with my friends, they'll never fail to ask me the same questions over and over again. "Aren't you tired of studying..?" And after that.. "If i were you, i'd rather work than study". Seriously guys, don't you know me better..?
I mean, come on. You guys should know me more better than the rest. You've seen my head in my books. I'm either reading or dreaming. I'm either sketching or taking down notes.
The thing is, are you guys supporting me or are you guys just penalizing me down...?
I felt like at times you were criticizing me by using 'floral' words instead of harsh words. To make it sounds as if you're not. But hey, i can sense your sarcasm, your critics and stuff.
You said you knew me, but do you even know who i am..? I don't even know who i really am.
Flashbacks keep coming back and sometimes i find myself confused within these situation. =/
This is just how i felt.
Disappointed. Utterly disappointed.
You can do this!
It's a lie i've been telling myself over and over again.
Over and over again, how many times must i get those in my head..?
It's like ..
You know your day is not getting better but yet you have to try to make yourself feel better..?
I need to get away from this. Get lost in an adventure. Get lost in the books.
Damn. Can we skip to the part where, we, human beings treat each other with some respect..?
Can i back out from it..? Can i still..?
I don't know what i've done wrong. That question left me hanging.
And that feelings sucks.
#thrashtalk
sigh
whaddya want from me?
I don't know who to trust, to listen to anymore. It's like all of my surroundings are filled with strangers and just strangers.
Tell me. Who should i trust the most? Besides God of course.
I'll just leave everything to Allah. Since He's the one who knows what's going through my mind and heart.
I can't lie. It's my disadvantage. But please don't take my disadvantage as your advantage.
Im tired. Im seriously am.
I can't wait for my attachment to start.
Im not mad at anyone. Im mad at myself.
For being a soft-hearted. For being a fool towards lots of things.
Im such a klutz. Im not perfect. I have my mistakes.
And im mad at myself for that. I pissed off with myself.
I really feel like deleting away my social medias. Facebook, twitter and others. But guess what?
I can't. It seems like a girl like me can't seem to get away from new technologies etc.
Cut things short.
I spent my first few days of October with friends. I went to Salvation Army to get some stuff. Bought a dress and a jacket since i don't own one. The next day went and watch Annabelle. Scare the heck put of me for the past half an hour.
But it was awesome.
Tiring and yet awesome. Fun.
For now, i just wanna stay at home and finish reading my book. I just wanna stay at home.
Why is it that i'm such an easy target to get hurt?
sigh.
*rolls eyes*
Can i just go for an adventure instead? Get rid all these negativity aura that surrounds me? I wanna go museum- hopping, or just go for a hiking. Or just a random walk down that road or path that leads to a secret place.
is it wrong for me to defend my rights?
Unlike some people, they talked bout others etc. Well i know i did talked too but hey, we humans make mistakes right?
another thing that keeps getting on my nerves are, whoever i text, call or even contact with is none of your concern, so don't assume okay.
Just ASK instead of ASSUME.
It starts with the same alphabet, but with different meanings.
just ask please instead of assuming. cos at the end of the day, your feelings and mine will get hurt.
so yeah.
im not saying who's right or who's wrong. im just letting out how i feel.
yeah, i might be a bit blur etc, but hey, you chose me as a friend.
i used to never judged a person based on their appearance.
i used to never talked bout other people.
i used to be an introvert.
im happy with i am now.
im happy with myself.
but what's pulling me down is, im upset cause of all the things i never expect myself to be happened.
wow.
if life can be rewind, i hope i won't make those same mistakes again.
yeah, im happy with my friends now.
but please do understand that behind every smile, there'll always be a story. and don't assume we are unhappy with you or etc, cause sometimes it just happens in life.
there'll be a time where you feel like just keep quiet the whole day and don't ever wanna talk , there'll be a time where you'll feel like sleeping and lazing around.
this is what i meant by being a teenager. a young adult.
Cause right now, at this moment, i literally feel like keeping quiet and just wanting to sleep, cause i'm feeling tired etc. you can't expect me to smile every single day right?
Would you rather have me faking a smile every single day?
I'd rather show you my true colours.
Im a quiet person. I don't talk a lot unless i have to. I smiled whenever i want to. When i stopped smiling, its because im tired or im sleepy or im just not feeling up to it, but i do, i repeat i do smile almost everyday cause i know Smiling is a sunnah.
So please, don't judge me based on my attitude and physical appearance. I am a human being, i make mistakes over and over again.
I like to keep things to myself as i don't want to burden other people.
It's not im being secretive or i don't like you. It's just that, i prefer to settle the matter alone.
I don't want to make people feel annoyed whenever i ask them for help.
I wanna be independent. I wanna stand on my own feet. And if such a small matter, i can't even handle, what makes you people think i can settle other matter?
so, please im not trying to pissed people off with this post, like i said, im just expressing myself.
thanks for reading~
Hey. Another entry to be written here.
Hello March.
Hopefully, you'll be good to me alrites.
Dear February,
thanks for the super fast journey ever.!
It's like, just yesterday were still february and then the next day was March.
Hm.
wow!
Seriously..?
thanks urh...
yep..i'm being too naive right now.. it's too much.. you're too much.
im not someone who you can just call me and ask me for help.
girl. i dun owe you anything.
so what's the fuss?
is it too much for me to stand my ground?
=_=!
darn you.
whoops!
seems like you really don't understand me do you?
oh well.
when you're in need of help, you come to me. when you don't?
where are you for me to find?
you say you've got loads of friends right?
then why don't you ask for help from them instead of me?!
I've been observing your attitude towards me and it's like sucks big shit!
I know you more than them. I know you for very long time.
But it seems like you don't appreciate whatever help i've given you.
so tell me now. should i just ignore you with an attitude or just ignore you .
plainly ignore you.
moving on...
Congrats on betraying me.
Thought you'd understand me better but no.
Nah... I'm not gonna blame you.
I'll just blame myself cos i'm too naive to trust in you.
Just one thing.
I'm your friend.
I know when you lied and not to me.
I know.
But i kept quiet just to see how long you can play this game.
sigh.
is it time for me to be harsh?
no more kindness?
I don't really get it.
Why do you say the opposite of what you're saying.
My kindness is taken for granted right?
sigh.
disappointed.
sigh...another entry again..
no pics today.
the sky looks so ... dark?
yes. it's gonna rain.
sigh.
why am i sighing?
i feel tired. really tired. tired of all those fake smiles that surrounds me . With fake laughters. Like seriously?
Be sincere about it please.
The title of this entry is keeping it in.
That means. Whatever it is, i'll just keep it to myself. Yes. Just keep quiet. Because it seems to me that some people just tends to keep on talking and talking as if they're the only ones who exist in the world.
So, instead of being a brat about it, i'll just keep quiet and listen to their stories.
I don't know why but i feel this is the best way to sort it out. Keeping quiet is the best.
Being left out by your friends then join them back again just because they needed something from
you is just sucks!
I think i had enough of being too kind towards them. Yeah. Maybe i should just shoot them with my words and see how they react, but because i'm too tired about it, i guess keeping quiet is the best then.
I've kept quiet not because i' m mad because of you. It's just that i want to give you time to think of what you've done to me. Your attitude towards me like seriously?
Gosh!
Everyday. Every night. I reflected myself. Think of what i did towards my friends or during the day. And then when i woke up, it feels like a brand new day.
Like it's a chance for me to make it up towards everything.
So far, i've been the one who keeps forgiving but unable to forgot about it.
Yeah, sometimes i wish, that when i woke up, i'll forget those memories . But there are some sweetness moments in it.
Well,
Just keeping it in then!
Thanks for reading.!
=)
*RANDOM*
I'm loving my best cuddly Donald Duck plush!
I had it since young and i used to dump it somewhere in my room, but then i recently fell in love with it and decided to bring it back onto my bed.
=)
Plus some teddy bears for accompanying me throughout my stressful and dreadful long hours.
*studying etc*
Hey there~
=)
I feel like lazying around... =)
But it could be boring though..
So..
Let's blast some music up and away!
Currently loving: One Direction-Live While We're Young and Maroon 5: One More Night Taylor Swift- We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
What did i do for these past few days..?
After school last Wednesday, I met my best friend,Ain , and we go for our lunch/dinner.
After that, we went to get our deserts which is Sundaes!
She got herself Caramel Sundae and mine, Strawberry sundae.
=)
Another tiring dayy!!
Phase test 1 done!!
Argh!!
Hopefully i done good... as long as i pass..? =d
hehe...
It's very hard for me to think about my future.
Cause it seems like im stuck with my past..?
Memories will soon fade away right..?
If so, i'll record down all of it in my book.. =)
To remind me of those days.. ^_^||
Okay, back to school.!
Seems like holidays are coming in two weeks time!!
yay!
Love,love,love...
What is it?
sigh...
confused... lost...confused..lost..confused..lost.
I wanna seek truth..
I don't like to stay in a place where everyday life goes on with lies.
White lies.
But that's what we're capable of right?
Humans tend to lie to keep them off troubles..
sigh..
is it not pity..?
=*(
will be busy doing my notes!
=)
Open...Close... Open... Close... Open close..
Before you knew it , it's already been a week since school open..
And to make matter worse, a fever came into your life at the moment when you really really don't want it..
hm... just great!
today lesson....hm.. where should i start..?
i think, i'll buy my books tomorrow... depends on my $$.
=)
Too tight.
so need to save up little.
that's life.
There's a time when it goes up and then a time where it will go down..
After spending 4 hours in a cold room, finally it was lunch.
Fever,fever, why are you in my life..?
Will you please get the hell out..?
Okay.
Happy birthday to my friend!
May all her wishes come true. =)
Alrites!
Good night!
Damn tired ttm.. T_T
Nites
Hello!!
Hm..
Guess what?
These few weeks and days had been really stressful for me.
Cos i've got test and test and then mock exams and then today, had phase test!
Today went home with Rui Xuan..
And so, we took bus service 9 to went home but eventually, it's wrong.
Can you imagine?
In the hot , humid weather?
I'm damn thirsty?
Gosh!
What is it with my schoolmates?
I don't seem to understand one and another.
Ok.
Just forget about it.
Cos it seems that he doesn't even care for other people.
He only care about himself.
Selfish, ignorant!
Never mind.
I'll just lead my own life and just focus on my studies.
Just pray to God that he will stop his insulting behaviour.!
Irritating!!!
If i were to change courses just because of 1 guy, it will take me half a month to study the whole module!
So might as well i just continue this and end all of it fast!
So, if you, dear schoolmate, wanna insult me, my answer is : You're just a COWARD!
=)
Have a good night!
=)
thanks for reading!
Helloo!!
If only i could speak up..
If only i could just say those words right in front of your face!
You are so irritating!!
You act as if you're big!
What the heck?!
I wish.
My only wish.
No, make that 5 wish!
Hehes..
Usually in the story a kid will always get 3 wishes...
So...
For me..
5 wishes is all it takes.
1. Stay focus
2. Happy!!
3. Studies
4. Career
5. Have fun.
Is it hard...??
I finally understand what Musfirah was talking about.
She quoted: If you really knew me, you would know that i fear of growing up."
To me it means that, when I graduated from Secondary school, there's no longer any teacher who will chase you around for a reason, no detention etc.
And most importantly, to me, i felt lost.
Lost as in i really had no idea what is happening around me.
What happens in class..
And the worst thing is that before you knew it, you're already there.
Doing it.
Doing the exams and etc.
I can't seem to plan anything right now.
Cos in my mind there's only one person that i'm thinking of.
My grandmother.
May God bless her soul.
Sometimes at night, i keep having dreams of her.
And ends up waking up in the middle of the night and cry.
But i prayed hard as i really loved her.
I regret for not telling these 3 words to her before she pass on.
I should have told her earlier..
Well..
Okay..
Will update to you later!
Bubbye!
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